The concept for this Power Poll came to me suddenly, as I once again faced down the insane number of teams in this conference and searched for an entertaining comparable that also had an insane number of members from which to draw. Turns out, there are a lot of emojis, and I limited this one to just smileys and emotions so that I can once again return to the emoji well later this season. Am I a genius? Maybe. If that lack of creativity makes you sad, comfort yourself that this is one of the only things currently published on the internet without AI Slop, and just enjoy that while you still can!
1. Ohio State – Nail Polish
First Place Votes: 8 High: 1 Low: 2 LW: 1
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While this emoji can literally mean painting your nails, the general internet consensus (insofar as such a thing exists) is that this emoji usually indicates a certain amount of breeziness or unconcern. Ohio State, #1 for the millionth time, is living in a different world than most of us, and is wholly unconcerned with the struggles of those who cannot buy any coach or player that they’d like.
(Fun fact, I wrote a Power Poll about nail polish ten years ago! Ohio State was #1 in that one too. )
2. Oregon – Partying Face 🥳
FPV: 1 H: 1 L: 4 LW: 3
For those of you who turned in to last week’s OTHER marquee match up* you were in for a real treat, at least in the second half. A hard-fought game with naught but a field goal apiece at halftime, things got significantly more exciting in the 4th quarter as both teams seemed to rediscover offense. Alas, at the end of two overtimes, it was Oregon left to party in their glow-in-the-dark uniforms on a brightly lit field, and Penn State fans to ponder the realities of what a mixed blessing it is to have a pretty successful coach who just can’t win the big ones.
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*Obviously, the marquee match up I am referring to was UCLA @ Northwestern, which, it must be said, disappointed a bit.
3. Indiana – Raised Eyebrow 🤨
H: 3 L: 4 LW: 2
Last week, Death Star Jr. did unspeakable things to Illinois, and had the rest of us nervously checking our teams’ schedules for signs of the terrifying Hoosiers. Kirk Ferentz either did not know or did not care about Indiana’s high-scoring reputation (probably the latter) and proceeded with an utterly Iowa approach to the big game with his usual gum-chewing equanimity. Thing is though, it almost worked. Iowa can drag anyone down to their level, as this game showed, while ALSO pissing off their fans through inscrutable coaching decisions. In the end, Indiana was a little bit good, and a little bit lucky, and both of these things matter in football.
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4. Penn State – Melting Face
H: 2 L: 4 LW: 4
This one doesn’t show up on browsers for some reason (and no, I don’t care what that reason is, but if you want to be pedantic in the comments about it, go ahead), but it is one of the most commonly used emojis on my phone. Something about being a woman AND an academic AND a non-soulless human in the Year of our Lord 2025 just calls for the melting face emoji a lot. Penn State fans probably trotted this one out in their thousands after this game. Rather than spend time on that, I’d instead like to highlight this exquisite exchange in the comment section of Sunday Morning Coming Down:
GoForThree: James Franklin is never beating the allegations
Transient Buckeye: The Allegations, apparently, must be ranked in the top 10.
Absolutely beautiful work, gentlemen. We’re not worthy.
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T5. Michigan – Money Mouth Face 🤑
H: 5 L: 9 LW: 7
IDK, Larry Ellison joke? Buying a quarterback isn’t the grossest thing a billionaire has done, but that bar is in hell (maybe literally?) so whatever. All I know is that Michigan didn’t even play and somehow moved up two places on the basis of a 3-point win over Nebraska two weeks ago and an expensive quarterback’s potential.
T5. Illinois – Zany Face 🤪
H: 5 L: 12 LW: 11
Oh Illinois! You silly kidders. Last week, we all thought you were really, really bad! Now, we know that you’re not really, really bad – or maybe you are, but that really, really bad is still two points better than USC. There were a lot of exciting finishes to games last week, but this one was possibly the funniest. Good on David Olano for calmly nailing the walk-off 41-yard field goal to win the game.
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7. Washington – Upside Down Face 🙃
H: 5 L: 8 LW: 6
Hey, Washington finally faced some competition! Unfortunately for them, it was Ohio State, so it didn’t go great. It was close through the first half, we’ll give them that. Still, there’s not much most teams can do about playing Ohio State, leaving Washington with the essence of the Upside Down Face: “Ah well, what can you do.”
8. USC – Clown Face 🤡
H: 6 L: 13 LW: 5
USC face-planting against the previous week’s most shameful gridiron story was one of the most universally beloved story lines in the conference. No one likes USC, possibly even USC fans, as we’ve never seen one around here. But Lincoln Riley’s apparent hubris is the kind of thing that makes people giddy when you lose, and whether it was hubris that led to a go-ahead touchdown leaving far too much time on the clock or simply bad luck – the result was worthy of a circus performance.
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9. Iowa – Persevering Face 😣
H: 7 L: 10 LW: 10
I had no idea this emoji was called “Persevering Face.” I personally think it’s serving “That-Chipotle-is-Really-Hitting-Me-Now Face” and it is on that basis that I selected it. Whether peristalsis or perseverance, Kirk’s predictably maddening game plan gave Hawkeye fans the grimace, as their deeply unsatisfying hobby of watching this man coach football persisted for another week.
10. Maryland – Pumpkin Face 🎃
H: 8 L: 14 LW: 8
Oh Maryland… guess what bbs?
It’s October.
Hope you enjoyed that Bye Week! Welcome to Spooky Season.
11. Nebraska – Pinching Hand 🤏
H: 9 L: 12 LW: 9
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Once again, the Huskers lost a close game that would have made a bit of a statement. Once again, the loss was mostly self-inflicted. Once again, they are punished for having a Bye Week in this illustrious poll. Nebraska is thisclose to getting it all sorted, but we all know that they never will.
12. Michigan State – Face Without Mouth 😶
H: 10 L: 14 LW: 13
Ooo, looks like our poll has set up a sexy #11 vs. #12 match up this Saturday. Are we all excited? Michigan State has accomplished very little this year, and their fairly sound defeat at the hands of USC in their last game has not aged particularly well. It will be interesting to see how they fare in the Mediocre Bowl in Lincoln this week – Husker crowds can be troublesome, so it will be a great test to see if Chiles really has settled down and matured this year as a team leader.
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13. Minnesota – Face with Peeking Eye
H: 10 L: 14 LW: 14
A fight to the finish with Rutgers! Only the finest of Boat Rowers can achieve such things. After the game, Peejus said something to the effect of “We could have played all day and the lead would just keep switching back and forth.” Having watched much of that game, I have to say he was probably correct about that. But lucky for him, the timer stopped while his team was ahead. Even though Rutgers is not nearly so bad as they once were, you can bet the stigma of a loss to Rutgers might cause the boat to take on some water.
14. Rutgers – Woozy Face 🥴
H: 11 L: 16 LW: 12
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Woozy face indeed. A few years ago, Rutgers fans may have been happy to even imagine being in a close game like this. Hell, they may still be glad – the scars caused by your team threatening a steak house chain with financial ruin can’t be easy to heal. But no matter how much progress may be evident for the ‘gers, losing close games thanks to fourth quarter ineptitude two weeks in a row to half of the Quadrangle of Hate… it’s not great. Lucky for them, they don’t play any more QoH teams this year… though they might like to have a crack at Wisconsin.
15. Purdue – Grimacing Face 😬
H: 13 L: 17 LW: 15
I tend to think of this as the permanent expression of most Purdue fans. Not only have they lived through the era of Purdue being officially redacted on this site, they recently lived through something possibly even worse – Ryan Walters (not the Oklahoma one, although that too would be worse.) Purdue had a bye week after a not-great outing vs. Notre Dame – though even in that loss, our Boiler Bots were still saying things like “We may not win any more games this year, but this is still way better than last year!” They’re a tough old fanbase, and while they may grin and bear it, rest assured that that grin isn’t quite reaching their eyes.
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16. Wisconsin – Middle Finger 🖕
H: 15 L: 16 LW: 17
Hey, hey, that bye week has the Badgers moving on up! Moving up in this poll is perhaps literally the only thing that has gone well for Wisconsin this year. As a dedicated partisan of a team within the vaunted Quadrangle of Hate, I can say that I am well and truly loving this for them! While the season is still relatively young, the Luke Fickell Era appears to be on life support, and this weekend sees them travel to Ann Arbor, which will surely go well. After facing Iowa in a game that should be a crime to televise, they then get OSU and Oregon consecutively. This middle finger could be typical behavior for a Badger fan, or perhaps a collective expression of loathing for the powers that created that schedule.
17. Northwestern – Weary Cat 🙀
H: 16 L: 17 LW: 16
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Congratulations to the winner of the Sickos Bowl, the Northwestern Wildcats! You are indeed as terrible as you feared, but fortunately for you, UCLA is even more terrible. The performance was bad enough to annoy Wildcat fans, but unfortunately, the game was more functional than expected for the many casual Bad Game Enthusiasts who tuned in hoping to see the B1G West rise again. It was bad, but not stupid bad, and in that sense, though Northwestern won the game, they lost the bigger prize. Perhaps Wisconsin-Iowa in a couple of weeks will deliver the goods.
18. UCLA – Pile of Poo 💩
LPV: 9 H: 18 L: 18 LW: 18
In the end, there was but one choice for UCLA. The unanimous last-place vote getter and loser of the Sickos Bowl is indeed a pile of poo this season.
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You know the drill! Let me know which emoji (remember, only smileys and emotions category) your favorite or least-favorite team should have been!
