AUERBACH CENTER — At the conclusion of Tuesday’s Celtics practice, Joe Mazzulla was asked about a media pickup basketball game that was scheduled for later in the day at the Auerbach Center.
“I don’t know how to break it to you,” Mazzulla told us reporters. “But you’re not playing against each other — you’re playing against the coaches.”
And, true to his word, Mazzulla laced up after Celtics practice concluded — alongside six extremely talented assistant coaches — ready for a Celtics Media vs Celtics Coaches full-court basketball game that was sponsored by the Junior Celtics Academy and New Balance.
Former NBA players Phil Pressey and DaSean Butler, as well as four former college basketball stars: Fairmont State University’s God Shammgod Jr., Duke University’s Amile Jefferson, Richmond’s Tony Dobbins, and Bucknell’s DJ MacLeay.
I think you can guess who came out on top.
All the while, Celtics stars watched from up above, a grin plastered across Jaylen Brown’s face as the game progressed. Celtics center Luke Garza hardly looked away from the demolition taking place on the parquet.
“Anyone want to do media?” Brown belted down at the reporters after the final buzzer sounded. (I will note, Brown did cheer on the media throughout the scrimmage. Thank you, Jaylen.)
How Joe Mazzulla and the Celtics coaches destroyed the media
It’s hard to even describe what went down in the game. To describe it as a disaster for us reporters would be an understatement. The sheer gap in athleticism — speed, size, instincts, you name it — felt so insurmountable that I can hardly pinpoint what even went down. I’d love to take a look at a box score, but the amount of live-ball turnovers we accrued would probably make me sick.
What I do know for certain is that the Celtics media conglomerate was so thoroughly outplayed that just getting the ball past halfcourt felt like a victory.
A rebound (I got one!) felt like a touchdown.
Hitting the rim on a shot attempt? Practically a cause for celebration.
It felt like the coaches rarely missed, but special shoutout to player development coach God Shammgod Jr, who was absolutely lights out.
The game served as an (unneeded) reminder of the ridiculous disparity between us regular people and elite athletes. (Believe it or not, there were multiple former college basketball players among us.)
And, it was especially humbling to remember that, as massive as the gap was between the coaching staff and the media, the Celtics players themselves are in a whole other stratosphere.
Team Media scored four points — shoutout to Forbes’ Bobby Krivitisky and Boston.com’s Khari Thompson for finishing their layups — and honestly, if we played that game over 100 times, the final score would round out to about 57-4 every time.
And, as frustrating as it was to not be able to dribble or convert simple passes, I couldn’t fight the immense feeling of gratitude and joy I felt throughout the blood bath.
Here we were at the Auerbach Center, home of the Boston Celtics. Each and every time I contested a shot or hit the deck diving for a loose ball, I reminded myself where I was and who I was playing against. A couple of times, I picked up Mazzulla himself, just for the hell of it.
Because why wouldn’t you want to guard the Celtics’ head coach?
I fell in love with the game of basketball when I was 11 years old. I always sucked at sports — tennis, volleyball, dodgeball, track, you name it. During gym class, I usually read a book on a mat in the corner, gossiped with friends, or tried to convince my gym teachers to let me go to the library.
True story, I swear. It wasn’t even because I disliked sports; it’s just no fun being absolutely terrible at anything.
But everything changed the first day I saw a basketball go through the net. It took everything, and I mean everything, to get to the point where I got good enough at one sport that I made the high school basketball team.
Making the varsity basketball team was the result of hours on hours of three-point attempts every night (shoutout to my dad for the late-night assists), coupled with an obsessive passion for the sport that I truly believe very few people have ever felt.
My incredibly mediocre high school basketball career remains my most prized accomplishment, no matter what I accomplish in the future. In my senior year, I was on somewhat of a heater for about two months. That stretch of basketball still means everything to me, almost a decade later.
Sometimes, I replay my best-ever game — an 8 three-pointer night against our rival school, Newton North — just because I still can’t fathom how cool a feeling it was for the basket to truly feel as big as the ocean.
I wish I were good enough to play basketball as a job, like the players I cover. I wasn’t even good enough to play in college, a reality that became difficult to reckon with as I neared the end of my senior season (and cried after every game).
But covering the Celtics and the WNBA is not a bad consolation prize. Every day, I pinch myself on my way to “work” because I still can’t fathom that “work” means watching basketball, talking about basketball, and writing about basketball. I’m confident that the gratitude will never fade.
Celtics Coaches vs Celtics Media was probably the most lopsided game of basketball I’ll ever partake in.
It was also the time of my life. I can only hope we do it again.
