I’ve just published a book. This one is a little different from my previous books, even if it is still about cycling. Previous efforts have focused on things like going fast. This one is about going far. Since I called an earlier book Faster, I’ve called this one Further, so as not to excessively tax the imagination.
You may recall a certain amount of distance-related whinging in this column over the last year or so. Phrases like “vomity misery” have cropped up in the context of very long bike races, along with accounts of acute discomfort, bouts of existential angst and generalised despair.
Multiple national champion on the bike and award-winning author Michael Hutchinson writes for CW every week.
It’s time to redress the balance. There are actually many wonderful things about stupidly long races. Most important, there are the people who do them. They have an enthusiasm that, if you’re as misanthropic as me, is a little off-putting. I initially assumed that their evangelism was because they’d all taken a terrible wrong turn in life when they started riding events that lasted for days, and they’d feel much better if they could drag me into the same pit.
I eventually concluded that that wasn’t the case. They’re sincere.
They are generous with their advice. One of the most useful things any of them said to me was, “You need to believe that things can always get better”. That sounds trite, because it is, but that doesn’t stop it being true. In fact the worse the situation is, the more likely it is to get better, because that’s just things returning to average. You can apply this to anything from parenthood to politics, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that it applies to bike riding.
Something else that was useful was the observation that even after you’re far into the territory of the bonk, you can still push the pedals round as long as you do it very slowly. Ironically, however, as you creep along praying for the sweet release of death, you will not think fondly of the person who told you this.
Sometimes the generous advice takes the form of practical help. At a 24-hour race last year, at 3am, after I’d vomited over my own feet before realising that the jet was so ferocious I needed to direct it backwards, I decided to quit.
Some friends helped me off my bike (while obviously trying not to touch me). They gently got me to sit down in a nice warm van and have a sleep – for about four minutes. Then they even more gently suggested I get back on my bike, offering me some Haribo snakes as a bribe. They were so non-confrontational about it that there was nothing to argue with. Even dropping dead on the spot would have seemed overly aggressive on my part. Before I knew it, I hadn’t quit at all.
This is, I think, the problem. They’re all so nice, yet they won’t let you stop. Once you’ve started doing long races, you’ll keep doing long races. Until someone sets up some sort of Ultra-racers Anonymous to rehabilitate people, I’m going to be stuck with it.
But enough about me. You should try it. You’ll like it. And even if you don’t, when you’re down here in the pit, you’ll make me feel better.
Dr Hutch is flogging his latest book! Further is out now, published by Allen and Unwin
(Image credit: Michael Hutchinson)
