Benjamin Hill travels the nation collecting stories about what makes Minor League Baseball unique. This excerpt from the Baseball Traveler newsletter, presented by Circle K, is a mere taste of the smorgasbord of delights he offers every week. Read the full newsletter here, and subscribe to his newsletter here.
If you’re a Guardians fan who lives in the Cleveland area who also enjoys Minor League Baseball then you, as you surely already know, are in luck. The Triple-A Columbus Clippers are situated two hours south while the Double-A Akron RubberDucks are a mere 40 minutes away.
Closest of all, however, are the High-A Lake County Captains, based in Eastlake. Cleveland’s Progressive Field and Lake County’s Classic Auto Group Park are situated just 18 miles from one another. To get from the former to the latter, just drive along I-90E. The road will curve inland from Lake Erie as you go, but not so far ashore as to preclude a nautical identity.
On the concourse of the Captains’ park, you just might run into Mokoro the bat dog.
Mokoro is accompanied at the ballpark with her owner, Victoria Brady, a trainer for Mission Empawthy. In addition to retrieving bats and balls, Mokoro sometimes works as a food delivery dog, transporting concession items to fans seated in Toilet Row.
Yes, Toilet Row, sponsored by Roto-Rooter. Watch the game like a king on a throne.
On this evening, Toilet Row was rather clogged. Two fans were seated at one end. On the other end was Captains broadcaster Logan Potosky, who ventured down from the booth for a special outdoor broadcast.
In the center of it all was Designated Eater Jae Canetti, tasked with eating the ballpark cuisine that my gluten-free diet prohibits. Here he is on the concourse after the game, as proof he survived despite what you are about to see.
I first got to know Jae about a decade ago, when he was a middle schooler in Virginia with baseball writing aspirations. Over the years, he wrote guest posts on my blog, collaborated with me at the Winter Meetings and covered a Brooklyn Cyclones game on location.
Jae is now an adult — it’s funny how that happens — who moved to Cleveland after graduating from Wake Forest University. He now works for the Department of Energy on a Cleveland-area green energy project.
In lieu of an array of concession items, Jae had one simple yet essentially impossible task: Eat the Moby Dick Sandwich.
As Captain Ahab could tell you, the Moby Dick is impossible to defeat. It’s gargantuan and bizarre, constructed meticulously yet haphazardly according to a logic, or illogic, all its own. It consists of 16 fish patties, 37 pickles, four slices of American cheese, lettuce, “mystery spices” and tartar sauce. Goldfish crackers served in a mini helmet are served as a complimentary side item.
Potosky, broadcasting “live from Roto-Rooter Toilet Row,” asked Jae for his initial impressions of this “big behemoth.”
“Growing up, my mom used to tell me I was a very hungry boy,” replied Jae. “I think we have to reset those expectations. I’m getting through 25 percent of this if I’m lucky. … Tell my mom I love her if I deteriorate from here.”
Jae, feeling defeated before he started, got to work as Potosky narrated the action on the broadcast. “No napkins? No drinks?” said Jae incredulously, realizing that he was missing some key essentials. “I’m just going in.”
Two innings later, Jae’s tone had shifted further into nihilism, regret and self-loathing.
“It’s a primal experience,” he said. “I’m picking up full fish patties with my bare hands and they’re disintegrating on me. I feel like I’m doing a bad thing for the overall fish population. There’s a fish crisis going on right now, and I am not helping the cause here.”
“Here’s a fly ball to right-center field,” replied Potosky.
The more Jae ate, the larger the sandwich appeared to him, and he became convinced that it was repopulating itself of its own accord. He would have thrown in the towel if he was able, but as it was he didn’t even have a napkin.
But, hey, look on the bright side: Jae went home with plenty of leftovers. Waste not, want not. His mom would be proud.
